Dahlia DeWinters - Author

Quirky Heroines, Happy Endings

Treat Your Art Like Guys Treat their D*cks

Whoooa! What’s going on? This post is primary addressed to writers, but is applicable for anyone who creates.

Writers!  Yes, I’m talking to you:  Treat your Writing like Men treat their D*cks

I’ve read so many self-deprecating writer speak that it ceases to be funny. “I’m not any good.” “I write crap.” “No one likes my work.” “Why am I doing this?”

Stop the madness, because personally I’m sick of it. And don’t get all up on your high horses, “Humph. Who does Dahlia think she is?” Nope, don’t even go there because I used to feel the same way. Let’s take a look.

Do you:

  1.  Whimper and cringe as each word appears on the page, knowing deep in your writerly heart that there’s no way that word “apple” you just wrote,  will past muster with the frowning, critical public?
  2.  Weep at editor’s marks, not seeing them as a helpful improvement, but as a branding of how awful your writing is?
  3.  Say, “I can’t believe I just wrote that. People will think I’m a horrible person.”

Welcome to the world of self-deprecating writers. Have a seat.  Sit down.  Have a drink.  Now that you know you’re there, here’s how to get out of it.

Remember Steve Harvey’s crap book/movie “Act like a Lady, Think like a Man?” Well, I can’t stand anything about Steve Harvey, but even a broken-ass clock is right twice a day. The grain of truth in this title can certainly be applied to writers.

“Treat your writing like a man treats his d*ck”

This is a bare bones joke, but you’ll get the meaning:

An elephant gets a thorn caught in his foot, and a mouse happens to pull it out. To show his gratitude, the elephant says he’ll do any favor that the mouse wants. The mouse says “I’ve always wanted to f**k an elephant”. The elephant says o.k., the mouse lifts the elephants tail and starts going to town. About that time a coconut falls out of a tree and bonks the elephant on the head. The elephant says “Ow!”, and the mouse says something like … “That’s right, bitch, you’re going to take it no matter how much it hurts!”

That mouse just KNEW  he was packing a heavy package.

I have two boys, and from the time they knew what was going on between their legs, it was like a pop gun to them. When those pants came off, the fun began. “Pew, pew!” they’d say, grabbing it and running around pointing it at everyone. It got to the point where my daughter (in between them in age) bumped her crotch on something and cried, “I hurt my penis.” The influence is strong, folks. Not only could you pee on the run, but you could shoot people with it. How handy!

While I am not a man, I’m married to one and asked him about the mystery of the penis. Men love their penises, he told me. They even let them take the lead in decision making every once in the while.

I was amazed. The penis, making life-altering decisions? That just goes to show how very valued and important they are.

Which brings me back to your writing. No matter how big, how small your writing may be, you need to treat it like the best thing that you’ve ever done on paper. Of course, it can always get better, but those words on the screen are pretty darn good right now. Because they’re THERE.

I had a dream that I had lunch with George W. Bush. (He’s a friend in my head, by the way.) He looks like the type who would bring his own bottle to a lunch and pick up the tab without hesitation. Anyhoo, he and I were having lunch (at a very nice restaurant, by the way,) and he said to me, “As long as you act like you know what you’re doing, people will believe anything you say.”

I.Kid.You.Not. That’s what W said to me. And why shouldn’t I listen to a two-term President? Bonus points: He has a penis.

So, writers. Treat your art like your very own penis. Adore it, love it, find ways to make it better. Polish it, rub it down, make it happy. Above all, do not denigrate or belittle it. As you do, others will follow suit.  Once you do this, you will gain more confidence. You will gain more creativity. You will become true to your art and will be so much better for it.

 

1Love

Dahlia

Horror Movie Review: The Autopsy of Jane Doe

Title:  The Autopsy of Jane Doe

Genre:  Horror, Drama

Summary: A father and son, both coroners, are pulled into a complex mystery while attempting to identify the body of a young woman, who was apparently harboring dark secrets. (from IMDB)

Starring:  Emile Hirsch and Brian Cox

Brian Cox is ‘that guy’ for me.  I remember him as Daphne Moon’s gadabout father from Frasier and as Col Stryker from the first series of X-Men movies.  I love the way he pops up as a villain or as a supporting character in the movies I enjoy watching.  He has presence and improves any scene he appears in.

On the other hand, I only know Emile Hirsch from some strange movie called “Alpha Dog” in which he plays a kidnap “victim”. I can’t remember seeing him in anything much at all, although his IMDB resume reveals more than a few films and TV series.  That being said, he does hold his own with the Scottish actor.

As father and son coroners hired to do an autopsy on an unidentified body found at a strange homicide where the victims seemed to be trying to get out of this creepy house. I liked the film from the start.  The audience is shown the aftermath of a bizarre killing area, but are not really subjected to the gore that usually accompany such scenes.  On the other hand, the mystery of what exactly happened hangs over the first part of the movie.

The setting is pretty perfect.  This is not your white, brightly lit, coroners station that you see in Quincy or even Law and Order.  No.  This is a dark, almost dim operating room which makes one wonder how they even see each other, never mind the instruments they are supposed to use. On top of it all they’re doing the autopsy at night.  Talk about a perfect storm.  Oh, did I mention there is also a storm on the way?

Needless to say, the spooky stage is set and mysterious events start to occur.  Now, as a rule, if the movie is good and begins well, I don’t spend my time second guessing the plot.  I just enjoy the ride.  

“Jane Doe” is that type of film.  It sucks you in with the mystery and holds your attention to the very end.  As you all know, I only watch horror movies during the day, but this one creeped me out especially.  There’s a part near the end where you think everything is going to be okay….and it isn’t.  It really, really wasn’t.  

Suffice to say, this isn’t your average horror film.  There is a lot of slow dread and great buildup.  Weird things happen, things get smooth for a bit and more weird things happen. I liked the film.  I liked the slow dread and the dynamic between the two actors, who work very well together.

Trivia:  There is an actual actress who plays Jane Doe.  She had to lie still for hours at a time to film the movie.

Rating: 4 out of 5 stars. Highly recommended.

#MotivationMonday – 5 Ways to Kickstart Your Muse

We all have those days where we’d rather be writing, but nothing is flowing. Instead we putter around, catch up on programs or simply sit and stare at a blank page. Believe me, you’re not alone. It happens to everyone.

I don’t like wasted time, because you never get it back. I try not to dither away time on social media either, because that’s a hole you can get sucked down and not emerge until three hours later. While I do love the cat vids and the cool memes, there’s a time for work and a time for play.

This brings me to the point of my post. Sometimes inspiration doesn’t sit waiting for you, you have to run it down and beat it into submission. Inspiration is wonderful. Inspiration can get you writing 5k a day. However, when inspiration decides to take a little break, what do you do?

You jump start your creativity. You can do it! Here’s seven quick ways to get that brain churning.

1. Listen to music – Remember “The Mozart Effect”? While that’s kind of gone the way of the dodo, the premise can still be used. Grab a song or two that you really love and jam out to it for a couple of minutes. Sing, dance, get the blood moving to that stuffy brain. Then, sit down and dare that blank page to defy your words.

2. Write by hand – I can’t recommend this technique enough. There is something about putting pencil to paper which gets the creativity going, especially if you imagine yourself as the royal scribe for the kingdom of…whatever. Point is, the physical act of writing may send stimulus to the brain that it’s time to get to work.

3. Get out of the house – We spend a lot of time indoors, especially in those of us in areas of colder winters. Shake yourself out of a rut by going outside – bundle up if you need to! Even as little as ten minutes taking in nature will mostly like shake that creativity into submission.

4. Work with your hands– Activating your hands will activate your brain. Cooking, knitting, crocheting…even washing dishes has an effect. Something about focusing on a bit of a mundane task makes the brain want to entertain itself. I swear to you, I’ve had some excellent ideas when up to my wrists in dishwater.

5. Play video games – I have a terrible secret to share. When I feel I’m stuck and can’t write another word, I go onto Facebook….and spin those fake slots. Or, I’ll play Zuma, where a frog spits beads. In other words, I do something totally mindless. Again, the brain gets bored, and tries to entertain itself. And as odd as it sounds, it really does work.

One thing I don’t recommend is scrolling social media. Depending on your temperament, it might actually be detrimental to your ability to create, depending on what you run into on your feed. As we all know, news stories and other people’s issues can be stressful, even if we are not directly involved. Save your social media involvement for after you’ve finished working. You won’t be sorry.

Do you have a tip to get the creative motor running? Leave it in the comments.

1Love

Dahlia

Horror Movie Review – The Open House

Title:   The Open House

Genre:   Thriller/Horror

Synopsis:   (from imdb) A teenager (Dylan Minnette) and his mother (Piercey Dalton) find themselves besieged by threatening forces when they move into a new house.

If you’re a fan of horror movies where “the black guy dies first”, this movie is for you.  To begin, let me tell you I watch a LOT of garbage.  As a person who watched horror movies, I have accepted and even embraced the fact that not every movie I screen will be good or even palatable.  Still, even in the worst of horror movies so far, I’ve been able to not be disgusted by them.  Sure, they’ve been dumb, silly and downright terrible, but there was always a little spark of originality or the fact the movie didn’t take itself too seriously which mitigated its terribleness. This is not the case with The Open House.

If, after my dire warning, you still insist on watching this film in a serious way, read no more.  I will be spoiling everything I can.  All the spoilers.  EVERY ONE!

not necessarily in order, either

 From both the poster and the movie trailer, the film promises a mysterious movie in which a weekly Open House may or may not be inviting in a killer.  The film poster, done in bluish-gray “horror movie tones” showed a shadowy figure standing menacingly in a driveway.  Both advertisement mediums indicated a good, scary time lorded over by this scary figure.

When I logged on to Netflix to chill out and watch some reruns of The Office, it popped right up on my feed.  So, I said, what the heck?  Oh, foolish Dahlia. Foolish, foolish, Dahlia. 

 

I should have known something was up when the movie began with a cliche:

Main character suffers a devastating tragedy.
I’ve said it once, and I’ll say it again:  I’ve seen a LOT of movies (not just horror) and I’m pretty good at recognizing foreshadowing when I see it.  As I writer, I have also been known to use the technique a bit. That being said, foreshadowing is supposed to be subtle, but when Dad dropped an egg and the movie showed it cracking open, spilling out the yolk and white all over the floor, I knew Dad was a goner.  Then, poor old Dad suggests they go get more eggs.  I knew right away, old Dad was gonna be cracked open sooner rather than later.  Sure enough, Dad was gone in the first 15 minutes of the movie.  Bonus cliche points:  the main character sees this happen,

Main character has to relocate because of…whatever issues.

Turns out Dad was a deadbeat and didn’t leave any insurance.  So Mom and son have to go to live in her sister’s house, which she just so happens to have up for sale.  Which brings us to the next cliche.

New location is located in a remote place with spotty cell service.

On their way to the town, the mother is talking on the cell phone in the car. Sounds like she’s trying to straighten out something with the husband’s estate.  Why are you chatting on the phone, driving to a strange place IN THE DARK? Either way she’s driving, in the dark and chatting on the phone.  Then she gets mad because the phone 

cuts out (cue spotty cell service) Suddenly, a mysterious figure appears at the side of the road, causing mom to slam the brakes and holler, “Did I hit him?”

:::::Mouth open::::::  Heffa, did you hear a thump? I’m sorry, but I’ve got to really ding the movie for this.  I can’t with this one.  There was no thump….why the heck did you think you hit him? I began to think this movie wasn’t going to have any legs. But it did have cliches!  Check out the next one.

Explore a creepy basement/attic with a flashlight.

They get to the house.  Bring in their stuff.  Then the mother disappears somewhere and the boy is in the kitchen by himself.  Oh, look there’s a door!  It leads to a basement, WHICH HAS NO LIGHT SWITCH.  No worries, just pick up this handy flashlight and go right on down!  Also, what was up with the maze in the basement?  Stone walls?  Is this Wolfenstein? No rhyme or reason, just wander around down there until your mother calls for you.  The weird thing was, they never discuss how weird the basement was, not even a throw off line.  I tell you what, if I lived in a house like that with a creepy basement, I sure would be on the lookout for, well, creepiness.

Weird/creepy neighbors and/or townsfolk

The characters go into a store or something and an older woman comes up to them.  “You must be Logan….and you are Naomi”.  Ooooo, spooky.  They are on alert.  How does this woman know their names.  “Oh, your sister emailed me with your pictures.”  Okay, why didn’t the sister TELL THEM that?  Cheap scary moment.  Random crazy woman not so crazy…or is she?  You’re back and forth with that, movie. And I despise you for it.

Random scares with chords.

Oh, the tangled web we weave when we try to scare.  Sigh.  The silly jump scares abound. Unfortunately, no cat scares…that at least would have been mildly entertaining.

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Saying “hello” when there’s a weird sound/event.

There’s a scene where Logan, the teenager, is awakened by a honking horn.  He gets up, goes to the window and peeks out.  There is a car sitting in their driveway, with its lights on bright so he really can’t see anything.  He stands there for a while until the car honks its horn.  Logan then GOES OUTSIDE (no coat, no shoes) and tries to see who is in the car.  What the heck?  Then, he goes back to bed and DOES NOT TELL HIS MOTHER. Whaaaa? I dig that they’re kind of estranged because of the father’s death and their poorness, but…..c’mon man!

Not noticing things are out of place/not telling people when weird things happen

You live in a house, an apartment whatever.  You know when doors are open and closed, right?  Well, these two don’t.  The mother goes somewhere in the house, walks past a door.  As we watch, the door opens.  When she comes back, and walks right past the door, she doesn’t close it, nor does she even seem to register that it’s open in the first place.  I just shook my head.  By that time in the movie, I was just watching to see what happened.

Kid has a cereal bowl in his room.  He goes to do something, and finds his cereal bowl in the living room.  Says nothing.

Black guy dies first

So something scary happens, furniture is rearranged when they leave the house.  They come back, are shocked, and FINALLY call the police.  After trying to keep his mother from even talking to this dude earlier in the movie, Kid invites the only other black guy in the movie besides the cop, Chris, over to, I guess, protect them against the creepy stuff. And also to be the first victim of mysterious killer. Yeah.  Bite it, movie, with your oldest cliche in the damn horror movie book.

Note:  There are two black men in this movie.  One is a red herring and dies first, the other is a police officer and has THREE WORDS to say. This is 2018, right?  I thought we were done with the stereotypes and cliches, but I guess not. Bugger off, movie.

As if you didn’t know this already, this movie is not recommended, even for fun.  It’s a dud of a movie, and I truly felt I wasted my time watching it. If you want to see the trailer, I’m sure it’s on YouTube.  I’ve wasted enough of my life on this movie as it is. 

 

Grade:  F-.  You are not approved for a mortgage.

 

Note:  There are a few times where I think I say I’m sorry?  Well, I’m NOT!!

 

Horror Movie Review – The Vault

Title:   The Vault

Summary:
Two estranged sisters are forced to rob a bank in order to save their brother. But this is no ordinary bank. (from imdb.com)

Genre: Horror, Thriller

Opinion

To say this was a pleasant surprise is an understatement. I didn’t expect much. I didn’t realize James Franco was in it until halfway through. This means that I kept looking at this guy and thinking that I know him from some movie. Like I said, it was only mid-movie that I said to myself “That’s James Franco! What’s he doing in this movie.”

My silly epiphany aside, The Vault was an interesting movie. It started out as one thing, then after a cliche line, it turned into something else, which I was completely fine with. I won’t go any further with the plot. Suffice it to say, the movie held my attention all the way through. I wasn’t tempted to look away, except for the bloody parts, and the acting was quite good for the genre.

While there is nothing new under the sun for me, having seen a huge amount of movies, I always relax and let the movie entertain me. Unless the movie is completely terrible, I try to let it roll out like the writers meant it to be. By doing this, I tend to enjoy a lot more movies.
Yes. The setup of The Vault has been done many times before. However, the actors were good, the special effects very effective and the back story scary and convincing.

Rating – B

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